Tattoos for a Tuesday.

one // two // three // four // five

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Steel Magnolias

In occasion of the new Lifetime attempted remake of Steel Magnolias and my obsession with reading the EINTKILF from HelloGiggles, I decided to share what Steel Magnolias has taught me. Growing up, the older women (grandmother, mother, aunts, exc.) would watch this at every family gathering that had a television set available. It was beat into my head as a small child that this is the ultimate chick flick. Me having only one fixation at the time could have cared less to watch some movie that always ended the same, a swarm of women crying. As I grew older, I was sucked into watching it and soon enough it became my favorite movie. I learned a lot from those six women with the thick, southern drawl. Now I may or may not be guilty of watching Steel Magnolias multiple times a day. Oh, my fixation was Barney by the way. I have made a major improvement since then.

1.  You cannot remake Steel Magnolias.

First and foremost, I was utterly appalled when I first heard about the remake. I wanted to cry, actually I may have cried. The original cast was a recipe for success with the actress lineup. I mean with Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Shirley MacLaine, Julia Roberts, Daryl Hannah, and Olympia Dukakis all wrapped in one movie, they set the bar high for anyone who wanted to think about remaking it. You go Herbert Ross. Basically it needs to be a written law that no one can remake Steel Magnolias. Nice try Lifetime. Better luck next time remakers.

2.  Pink is every girl’s signature color.

Who would have thunk it, there is a difference between blush and bashful? I guess women to have an eye for color. Whether you like the color pink or not, hues of pink are satisfying to the eye and compliment well. Even if you don't like the color, I bet you look good in it. Don't you? Just don’t dress like you hosed yourself down with Pepto-Bismol, unless that is the style you are going for.

3.  All gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.

This is true, on all accounts. If you beg to differ, then you’re wrong. Mark, Rick, or Steve lied to you. They’re gay. Think about it, do they have track lighting? Yep, thought so.

4.  Lycra is your friend.
If you plan on wearing something tight, I am begging you to throw on some spandex. It just sucks everything in and holds it in place. You will thank me later when the pictures are posted online. Also, give a big thanks to Dolly Parton for teaching those her ways. You're welcome.

5.  Cakes shaped like animals are cool.
Seriously though. Cakes are the new fad these days. The weirder they are, the bolder they look, the better. Nothing beats out the #1 spot for most original than an armadillo grooms cake. A cake with gray icing and red innards just screams for awesomeness. I want one at my wedding. That is only IF I find a man that will put up with my uncanny character. Yeah probably not gonna happen, I am forever alone. But that is okay. I will just call up Aunt Fern to deliver an armadillo cake to every wedding I attend. Consider it as a gift.

6.  Mothers want nothing more than their children to be happy.
This is true. Mothers have an indescribable bond with their daughters. No other relationship can match it. Moms even love you during your adolescent middle school days, where no one likes you and you don’t even like yourself. This movie portrayed the mother-daughter relationship to a T. Way to go Sally Field. Spoiler Alert – When Julia Roberts gets admitted into the hospital, Sally Field never leaves her side because she is afraid that she may wake up, maybe even just for a minute, and she won’t be there to hold her hand. Mega-Spoiler-Alert – Then after Julia Robert’s funeral (My heart will bear a gapping hole the day Julia Roberts and that smile passes) Sally Field is overcome with grief and realization of the loss of her daughter and I just sob with her. I look like a 5 year old that just had her favorite Barbie ran over by a semi. Mothers are always prepared to go first. I couldn’t fathom the feeling of losing a child. Steel Magnolias always reminds me that a great woman has raised me. Much love Mom.

7.  Big hair-dos resembled football helmets.
I am sorry 80s fashion. You did this to yourself. I am sure years from now I will look back at my hair now and say, “What was I thinking?” But at least I can say that my hair never resembled a football helmet. You can’t get much worse than that can you? Nope, didn’t think so. On the contrary, Sally Field, you rocked that brown football helmet. Own that up do, girl.

8.  People will love you, regardless.
Just look at Shirley MacLaine. She may be the grouchiest woman that has ever roamed the earth and puts us all to shame with her everlasting PMS cycle, but she still has friends that love her. She comes in a close tie with Sally Field for my favorite character of the film. One of my favorite lines of the whole move is in regards of her oh so sassy personality – “Ouiser, you sound almost chipper. What happened today, you run over a small child or something?” I totally have my Ouiser-esque days, and I am not ashamed of it. Just keep this in mind, if you ever think that no one cares for you, think twice, they do. If the feeling of loneliness still persists, maybe you should turn down the bitch-o-meter a bit. If you still have no one that loves you, and you are saying to yourself right now, “I am not a bitch.” News flash, you are. Get over yourself. No one likes a bitch, unless you’re Shirley MacLaine as Ouiser Boudreaux.

9.  Anne Boleyn had six fingers.

In all honesty, I had zero clue who Anne Boleyn was prior to watching this film. Lets face it; the film was released before I was even a fragment of an imagination to my parents. But at least after watching it, I learned a great fact that could help me out with future trivia questions. Watch out Jeopardy! 

10.   “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.”

We have been told this all our life, whether it was in relation to death, school, breakups, or whatever else calls for the slogan. It’s true, no matter how low we may be; keep on pushing because there is nowhere to go but up. In the end, it will only make you wiser. So, if there is ever a time where you feel the urge to throw in the towel, don’t. You will over come the predicament at hand.

Steel Magnolias is a classic chick flick that will always reign as a top movie pick for myself. These women taught me valuable lessons that I would have otherwise longed without. Thank you. I will automatically judge someone on their opinion of the movie, which means, if you hate SM, I hate you. Get it? My future hubby will have to fully accept me watching this film on a regular basis, if not, you're as dead to me as armadillos grooms cake.

My Mom, The Pinterest Woman.

a little blury, but I love this picture of me and my mama

Come to think of it, my mother is the ultimate Pinterester. If we would all go back and relive her early 20-30 days, she would be a walking Pinterest board. Actually, I wouldn't put it past my mom that she herself created Pinterest. The only thing assuring me that she isn't the great Pinterest creator, is that she isn't the savviest social media mom on the planet. Pinterest is labeled as a social media engine, right?

My mother majored in fashion merchandizing in college, so you know she made a majority of her own clothes. So you know that if she can sew her wardrobe, that she is crafty as hell. Crafts is the highest level on the Pinterest hierarchy, and fashion falls a close second. She loves to read, loves it. If she can't read, then she listens to books on tape in the car. She is the poster mom for book worm. She cannot drink coffee fast enough and is a royal pain if she doesn't have a cup first thing in the morning. An iv drip of coffee should just be added to her daily life.

Then when is comes to food, she brings a whole new level of talent. She makes just about everything from scratch and canning anything comes second nature to her. My mother cans her homemade jelly (every flavor imaginable), salsa, corn, green beans, tomatoes, fruit, and more. You know Pinterest goers eat that type of shit up. If you can look classy and cook, you are an immediate Pinterest celebrity.

Oh, and she takes a crap load of pictures. Yep, definitely Pinterest material. She is what everyone aspires to be.

My mother is practically super mom.

You're Fucking Welcome.

I found this online and figured it was appropriate to share. Enjoy it. Love it. Learn from it.

"Dear Fellow Female Population,

Stop being such pussies.

Really.

Do you understand how painful it is for me to go on Pinterest with all of you bitches on there? I just want to login really quickly and find a good mixed drink recipe for the weekend, and I have to see all of you crying and complaining all over the place like being a girl is the biggest fucking travesty in the world and no one understands you. This goes for Facebook and Twitter as well. Why are all of my social media accounts clogged with song lyrics, passive aggressive insults, and inquiries on where all the good guys have gone? You are no longer emotional teenagers that don’t understand how stupid you look, so you no longer get a pass for this ridiculous behavior. Time to man the fuck up, bitches. Because, honestly, you’re all agonizingly dragging our gender to the ground. I’ve taken it upon myself to give you a list of a few simple things to do that will help you stop sucking so much. You’re fucking welcome.

1)   For the love of God, please stop wishing that you could date Christian Grey. Apart from his sexual skills, he is one of the biggest pussies I’ve ever read about. Seriously. When Ana first described his dick, I literally spit out my drink, because I’d been assuming he actually didn’t have one. It took me by complete surprise. While I enjoyed reading most of the sex scenes, it was totally not worth it when the rest of the book made me want to puke all over my Kindle. I’ll just watch sub/dom porn and spare myself from all the Christian – Ana bullshit you all seem to be obsessed with, thank you very much. Why do all you ladies want someone who stalks the shit out of you and becomes weirdly obsessed with you and has a super gay interest in classical music? Because, let’s face it, ladies, you can pretend all you want that you’re classy like that, but we all know the last time you listened to Mozart was in your 5^th grade music class. Get over yourselves. And get over 50 Shades of Grey. It’s pathetic.

2)   Stop acting like being a female is so fucking difficult. “We get paid less, no one takes us seriously, blah blah blah.” Maybe if you pulled your heads out of your asses, people would take you more seriously. I’ve found being female to be one of the easiest things on the goddamn planet. Let’s start with the obvious one. Free shit. All. The. Time. You want to know how much I spend every weekend on booze? Just the cost of my cheap pregame bottle. Then I stroll into a bar, and let the drinks start flowing my way. Sorry, but I’d rather get free drinks from hot guys all night long then get paid 10% more at my job. And if you disagree, you obviously need to check your priorities. Another great female bonus? Sex. Guys love being dominant and you should love it when they are. It makes everything so much easier for us. They tell you what to do, and you do it. It always feels good, and you don’t have to think about anything. To me, that’s fucking awesome. No wonder so many guys have performance anxiety.

3)   One of the most annoying things to hear is “Why can’t I just find a guy who loves me, cuddles with me, buys me pretty things, and will turn the game off to talk about my day.” Oh my god, do realize how ridiculous you sound? That’d be like guys posting statuses that say “Why can’t I just find a girl who will fuck me like a porn star every few hours throughout the day, cooks every meal for me, brings me beer when she comes home, and disappears when the game’s on.” Yes, it’s a nice fantasy, but that’s all it is. A fantasy. So stop acting like there is some guy out there who is like that, because even if there is, chances are he’s either extremely boring or gay.

4)   Stop taking everything so seriously. You are in college. The fact that you all seem to be on some quest to find a boyfriend is just pathetic. Why do you want one? Now’s your chance to fuck the guys who are complete assholes, but you can tell they’re good in bed. Look past their douchebag frat-y style and attitude for a few hours at the bar, go back with them, have a great fucking time, then get the hell out and don’t talk to them again. You didn’t use them for their minds; you used them for their body. Realize that, and respect that.

Well ladies, I could go on, but I feel a little guilty for tearing apart my own gender, so I’m done. Think about what I said, though. And remember, every girl should choose a Christian Louboutin over a Christian Grey. Pumps over pussies."

When It Comes To Writing Papers.

I am sitting here on a Sunday night, procrastinating it up like a pro. Actually, I am pretty far ahead in most of my classes, except one. It's an 8AM so it's a rough one. So far this semester, I am loving all of my classes, which include: Graphic Design III, Digital Photography, Advanced Drawing, Health and Ethics of Society, Computer Literacy, and The Study of Alaskan Eskimos.

Computer Literacy is a bird course I need as a gen ed, that I probably should have taken my freshman year, but didn't. And as for the Alaskan Eskimo class, I don't know what to think about it just yet. It is a lot of busy work. Though, I am just taking it because it is an upper-level and I thought it seemed kind of interesting. Okay, lets be honest, I need upper-levels to graduate on time and it was the only one that fit into my schedule that sounded like I wouldn't break my GPA.

The point of this blog though is to A. get back on my feet in the blogging world and B. because I am currently writing my roommate's paper. Well, she is technically writing it, but she is having me revise it, and everything is borderline horrible. So, I am just rewriting the whole thing paragraph by paragraph as she is typing along. I must give it to her, I have never seen anyone try to hard and still write an awful paper.

I by no means hold my head high and think I am all-knowing grammatically or a wanna-be-english-major. I am sure it shows in my posts. Actually, I may be the worst speller on the planet, better yet, universe. I am the worst speller of all time. However, I am confident enough that I can, indeed, write a pretty compelling paper. Right now she could use any help that she can get. And coffee, she needs a whole hell of a lot of coffee.

I’m such a good friend. And I kind of like writing papers.

Jumbled Ramblings.

I figured since I have been the utmost, worst blogger on the face of the plant, that I owe it to myself and my readers (which I realize probably consists of no more than three people) a post about my life. I will give you a speedy-quick recap of my life.

Weekdays: Class, Eat, Class Again, Soccer Practice, Eat, Sleep

Weekends: Bus Ride, Eat, Soccer Game, Eat, Sleep, Rest ALL DAY SAYURDAY & DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING PRODUCTIVE (aka sleep/watch lifetime), Eat, Soccer Game, Eat, Drive Home (attempt to sleep on the bus)

Can I tell you though; freshman boys (at least this new group we got this year) are the most annoying species on the face of the planet. They never shut up. Ever. The end.

Today, I woke up early in hopes that I could actually look like a human being instead sharing a close resemblance to a homeless man holding a sign on the side of the road. I even curled my hair and put on lipstick, so you know shit got real. But, of course I don’t know how to manage my time when I actually do want to prove to the world I own other things besides t-shirts and that I can brush my hair. I ended up being 20 minutes late to my 8am class. Have you, the only class I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays is my 8am class. What was I thinking?? Anyways, I strolled into class 20+ minutes late, and what do you know, no one showed up except the professor and I. Damn it.

Also, these pictures I took in the mac lab, since no one showed up and I wanted to share with you proof I dressed up.

Awkward moment, when you are taking the photos in the lab and the cute boy that sits next to you shows up. And you are writing a blog. Gah.