September 26, 2012

You're Fucking Welcome.

I found this online and figured it was appropriate to share. Enjoy it. Love it. Learn from it.
"Dear Fellow Female Population,
Stop being such pussies.
Do you understand how painful it is for me to go on Pinterest with all of you bitches on there? I just want to login really quickly and find a good mixed drink recipe for the weekend, and I have to see all of you crying and complaining all over the place like being a girl is the biggest fucking travesty in the world and no one understands you. This goes for Facebook and Twitter as well. Why are all of my social media accounts clogged with song lyrics, passive aggressive insults, and inquiries on where all the good guys have gone? You are no longer emotional teenagers that don’t understand how stupid you look, so you no longer get a pass for this ridiculous behavior. Time to man the fuck up, bitches. Because, honestly, you’re all agonizingly dragging our gender to the ground. I’ve taken it upon myself to give you a list of a few simple things to do that will help you stop sucking so much. You’re fucking welcome.
1)   For the love of God, please stop wishing that you could date Christian Grey. Apart from his sexual skills, he is one of the biggest pussies I’ve ever read about. Seriously. When Ana first described his dick, I literally spit out my drink, because I’d been assuming he actually didn’t have one. It took me by complete surprise. While I enjoyed reading most of the sex scenes, it was totally not worth it when the rest of the book made me want to puke all over my Kindle. I’ll just watch sub/dom porn and spare myself from all the Christian – Ana bullshit you all seem to be obsessed with, thank you very much. Why do all you ladies want someone who stalks the shit out of you and becomes weirdly obsessed with you and has a super gay interest in classical music? Because, let’s face it, ladies, you can pretend all you want that you’re classy like that, but we all know the last time you listened to Mozart was in your 5th grade music class. Get over yourselves. And get over 50 Shades of Grey. It’s pathetic.
2)   Stop acting like being a female is so fucking difficult. “We get paid less, no one takes us seriously, blah blah blah.” Maybe if you pulled your heads out of your asses, people would take you more seriously. I’ve found being female to be one of the easiest things on the goddamn planet. Let’s start with the obvious one. Free shit. All. The. Time. You want to know how much I spend every weekend on booze? Just the cost of my cheap pregame bottle. Then I stroll into a bar, and let the drinks start flowing my way. Sorry, but I’d rather get free drinks from hot guys all night long then get paid 10% more at my job. And if you disagree, you obviously need to check your priorities. Another great female bonus? Sex. Guys love being dominant and you should love it when they are. It makes everything so much easier for us. They tell you what to do, and you do it. It always feels good, and you don’t have to think about anything. To me, that’s fucking awesome. No wonder so many guys have performance anxiety.
3)   One of the most annoying things to hear is “Why can’t I just find a guy who loves me, cuddles with me, buys me pretty things, and will turn the game off to talk about my day.” Oh my god, do realize how ridiculous you sound? That’d be like guys posting statuses that say “Why can’t I just find a girl who will fuck me like a porn star every few hours throughout the day, cooks every meal for me, brings me beer when she comes home, and disappears when the game’s on.” Yes, it’s a nice fantasy, but that’s all it is. A fantasy. So stop acting like there is some guy out there who is like that, because even if there is, chances are he’s either extremely boring or gay.
4)   Stop taking everything so seriously. You are in college. The fact that you all seem to be on some quest to find a boyfriend is just pathetic. Why do you want one? Now’s your chance to fuck the guys who are complete assholes, but you can tell they’re good in bed. Look past their douchebag frat-y style and attitude for a few hours at the bar, go back with them, have a great fucking time, then get the hell out and don’t talk to them again. You didn’t use them for their minds; you used them for their body. Realize that, and respect that.
Well ladies, I could go on, but I feel a little guilty for tearing apart my own gender, so I’m done. Think about what I said, though. And remember, every girl should choose a Christian Louboutin over a Christian Grey. Pumps over pussies."

September 17, 2012

When It Comes To Writing Papers.

I am sitting here on a Sunday night, procrastinating it up like a pro. Actually, I am pretty far ahead in most of my classes, except one. It's an 8AM so it's a rough one. So far this semester, I am loving all of my classes, which include: Graphic Design III, Digital Photography, Advanced Drawing, Health and Ethics of Society, Computer Literacy, and The Study of Alaskan Eskimos.

Computer Literacy is a bird course I need as a gen ed, that I probably should have taken my freshman year, but didn't. And as for the Alaskan Eskimo class, I don't know what to think about it just yet. It is a lot of busy work. Though, I am just taking it because it is an upper-level and I thought it seemed kind of interesting. Okay, lets be honest, I need upper-levels to graduate on time and it was the only one that fit into my schedule that sounded like I wouldn't break my GPA.

The point of this blog though is to A. get back on my feet in the blogging world and B. because I am currently writing my roommate's paper. Well, she is technically writing it, but she is having me revise it, and everything is borderline horrible. So, I am just rewriting the whole thing paragraph by paragraph as she is typing along. I must give it to her, I have never seen anyone try to hard and still write an awful paper.

I by no means hold my head high and think I am all-knowing grammatically or a wanna-be-english-major. I am sure it shows in my posts. Actually, I may be the worst speller on the planet, better yet, universe. I am the worst speller of all time. However, I am confident enough that I can, indeed, write a pretty compelling paper. Right now she could use any help that she can get. And coffee, she needs a whole hell of a lot of coffee.

I’m such a good friend. And I kind of like writing papers.

September 11, 2012

Jumbled Ramblings.

I figured since I have been the utmost, worst blogger on the face of the plant, that I owe it to myself and my readers (which I realize probably consists of no more than three people) a post about my life. I will give you a speedy-quick recap of my life.

Weekdays: Class, Eat, Class Again, Soccer Practice, Eat, Sleep
Weekends: Bus Ride, Eat, Soccer Game, Eat, Sleep, Rest ALL DAY SAYURDAY & DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING PRODUCTIVE (aka sleep/watch lifetime), Eat, Soccer Game, Eat, Drive Home (attempt to sleep on the bus)

Can I tell you though; freshman boys (at least this new group we got this year) are the most annoying species on the face of the planet. They never shut up. Ever. The end.

Today, I woke up early in hopes that I could actually look like a human being instead sharing a close resemblance to a homeless man holding a sign on the side of the road. I even curled my hair and put on lipstick, so you know shit got real. But, of course I don’t know how to manage my time when I actually do want to prove to the world I own other things besides t-shirts and that I can brush my hair. I ended up being 20 minutes late to my 8am class. Have you, the only class I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays is my 8am class. What was I thinking?? Anyways, I strolled into class 20+ minutes late, and what do you know, no one showed up except the professor and I. Damn it.

Also, these pictures I took in the mac lab, since no one showed up and I wanted to share with you proof I dressed up.

Awkward moment, when you are taking the photos in the lab and the cute boy that sits next to you shows up. And you are writing a blog. Gah.