Sometimes, a series of events happen that opens our eyes to
emotion, whether it be happiness, loneliness, greatness, wretchedness, or any
other word you may use to describe your current disposition. I like to believe
that I am generally a happy person, but just like any typical human being, I
have my forlorn moments. There is no stopping the moments of complete discontent,
it hits at full force, like a runaway train. The worst part about it, it takes
me ages to crawl myself out of the rut I am in. Lately, the dark hole seems to
be deepening farther every time and I must let time play on before I can find contentment
again. There is no control over it. I've tried analyzing why now everything
seems to be caving in? The soul answer I find myself coming back to is this...
The current chapter of my life is coming to a close. For the
first time, I have come to the realization that my life is completely out of my
hands. Have I accepted that idea? I don't think I have, which is the cause of
my current predicament. Maybe years ago I should have known that yes, I have no
control over anything in my life but the present. It hasn't been until recently
that I have truly understand what that means.
When I was younger, I always knew where I would wind up in
the upcoming years. Little did I know where actually, but I knew I was going to
do it. I knew I was going to graduate high school and attend a college. The
little details never bothered me then like they do today. Thinking back to my
past makes me jealous of how easy life actually was then.
Now I am a junior in college, with so many obstacles in my
present and future. I find myself questioning my every move, and I hate it. I
have no clue what I want to do with my degree once I graduate, where I want to
live, I know nothing about my future. Nothing is laid out before me like once
before. Life is hard, and I am finally accepting that. I am scared for my
future, because I want nothing more than to be successful, but I see nothing
but "what if." What if, it's
like word vomit and it constantly finds its place on the tip of my tongue. I'm
afraid of inching too close to people, places or things – nouns I suppose –because
I may get too attached to them. I want no distractions or anything to hold me
back to what I want to achieve, my dreams. So, I keep those at arm's reach who
may have the opportunity to become an obstacle. I have a permanent wall up that
I keep building higher so no living thing can pass over it. It's a tactic that
I have perfected over the years. It gives a sense of security and helps me
avoid any situation what might end with me hurt. It's how I have always been. Because
of my insecurities and uncertainty, I have built this barricade that I often
hide behind.
My barrier built from my personal insecurities and
uncertainty is often disguised with bad moods and unnecessary lash outs. I push
people away to make sure that they don't get too close to my heart – I am a pro
at that, it's my specialty. As soon as anything get too serious or too perfect I
find myself fleeing from the situation. I have convinced myself that it's
method is idea for the long run, I avoid hurting.
Maybe this is why I want nothing but a career for my future.
I have zero desire for marriage, children, anything at all. I hate when discussions
lead to topics such as those, it makes me nauseous, and I try to avoid them at
all costs. Is this selfish of me? Very much so. But, then everything leads back
to what if. I am afraid of commitment;
I am afraid of failure. What if I
cannot live up to what is expected of me or reach what I have always wanted to obtain
out of life. Without interruptions I cannot fail..right? I am terrified of
change and right now life and personal changes are being thrown my way at rapid
velocity. I can't handle it.
Will I ever be satisfied? I have no idea. I wish to put an
end to my troubles and to slowly take down my wall. I want to let those
deserved in, instead of pushing them away. I want to be smitten and completely
swept off my feet. I want to love in return, wholeheartedly. But where do I
begin? Currently, every little piece of my life has been building up, basically
until I self-destruct. I am exhausted. Where can I find happiness? I haven't a
clue, but I do know that I must search for it myself. It's inside of me, the
strength to accept what I can't control and the contentment I have been hiding
from. I just wish there was a map and key to help me out. No one can assist me,
I must do it on my own. I must open up again; live my life as a slightly open
book and wear my heart on my sleeve. That is such a huge task to ask myself to
do, but I know there is no alternative if I want to achieve everything,
including absolute bliss.
